Always a Victim?

I meet a lot of people in my life. There is one thing that I’ve learned, and it is that every single person I’ve met has a life that could be considered full of stressful and traumatic events.
I have yet to get to know a single person and discover that person who hasn’t had something “big” happen in their lives. Every single person I’ve had a chance to really get to know has a story.
True, some people are happy and seem to have that touch of gold in their lives today but they carry a history of an alcoholic parent, or sexual abuse, or horrid school yard bullying, or thousands of other possibilities.

One thing I am learning is that their attitude toward these bad times in their lives is key to how they survived and later thrived or seemingly their life collapsed at that moment and they are still stuck at that time.

I’m also learning that I have a very hard time being around people who are stuck. I want to help them, I want to listen and I want to do something! Yet, I can’t. Their pit of despair (to use the Princess Bride term) seems to suck the very life out of me!

It seems that you can’t say a thing to get through to these people either! Last night I had a very long conversation with an individual. I know this person very well. I thought I used excellent reasoning, insight, and careful honest evaluation of the events to show how they were not the victim in that situation.

Instead, I only succeeded in angering the individual because I was the one blind enough not to see how they could not have been the victim.

In psychology class we learned about such a thing. Its clouded perception. It is a way of survival as well. It is also a way of making the individual seem important. Seriously, isn’t the world revolving around me? Clearly all the calamity is directed against me!

Anyhow, I digress!

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3 Responses to Always a Victim?

  1. cricketB says:

    I hear you! Oh, I so hear you! “And today’s addition to the litany of my misery, Birdy spent hours trying to fix it, and she just doesn’t get it!”

    What I finally learned to do is is model the life I wish they would choose.

    Model. Not shove in their face. Not tell them to be like you. Do the FlyLady thing and just live well. Someone said you should hang out with people you want to be like. I try to be that person.

    From your blog, it looks like you already are that person. You acknowledge challenges, but don’t let them keep you down. You know what you can and can’t change. You allow yourself down time without wallowing in it. You’re a good example of Covey’s Circle of Influence. Yes, you care about the entire universe, but you spend your energy on what you can directly influence. By doing that, your circle of influence expands. You make yourself important, not by whining, but by doing good things for yourself and for others.

    It’s heartbreaking, knowing that all they need to do is kick themselves “right there”, but it’s out of our control.

    Having said that, is there anything that the two of you can do together that will help others? Chopping veggies for the soup dinner? Knit comfort items? She may whine about herself the whole time, but she might just admit she’s earned some good karma from it, and have something good to talk about.

  2. Songbirdy says:

    LOL Cricket!

    Sigh, we have to connect sometime in RL! Perhaps at All Strung Out or at Chapters? I’d have you hear but… sigh with the kids and dog and the occasionally present husband I don’t often have the chance to sit and enjoy the stillness so I really do want to get out of the house.

    Either way, you have given me some good insights and I’m going to ruminate on them a bit and see if I can’t do something along the lines you’ve suggested!

  3. cricketB says:

    Nooo, not the yarn store. I just spent more money there. (6 balls weren’t enough for the shawl, so I bought 4 more. Luckily, they still had some of the same dyelot.) I’m telling at the Boathouse on May 13, if you’re available. My daughter might be interested in Saturday’s group at the store; I hear there are some other daughters there.

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