It was kind of hard to put my feet on the ground this morning. I knew that the moment I stood up I would be busy. Its now 9:30 p.m. and I am home.
It used to be that I would have one of these days once a month, the 3rd Wednesday when we had Garden Fresh Packing Day. But we totally love Garden Fresh Packing Day, so a little busy is okay!
But this is the third day of extreme busyness this week. It wasn’t that the events were horrible, but I literally was home for about 1 hour today. In 10 minute chunks of time! How’s that for fun?
It helps that I really did enjoy most of the events I decided to attend today. Three of the eight events saw me a little less than gracious, and I actually did manage to lock my children and I out of our home on the last event because the constant running into the house and running out saw me leaving the all crucial keys in the home with my husband locking up behind me. I clearly didn’t think through my decision to leave one more bulky purse at home!
And I really can’t complain because, well, I’ve been praying that I had somethings to do outside of our home. Both for myself, and for the children.
Which kind of brings me to my point. It was brought up to me by the comment made by Farrah@home on my post about Workaholic Husbands.
Then on Tuesday when I was on my hands and knees cleaning and really cleaning my floor because I discovered my mop wasn’t doing a good job, I got to really thinking about answered prayers.
I’ll admit that I am 100% convinced about the power of prayer. I have had and seen many prayers answered. Prayers often answered for exactly as requested in the prayers. Just as often answered in such a way that it takes a slow realization to be aware that the prayer is answered and can be moved into the “Rejoice and Be Glad for God’s Continued Mercies” column. Then of course there are the times when prayers aren’t answered in either of those ways and that is always hard to realize as a “No” answer or at the least a “Not now Dear” answer.
I just wanted to admit that there was a long period of time in my life when I found it very, very hard to pray.
This was because of fear.
There have been three times in my life when God has answered a prayer. These are prayers that I once heard described as “Anguish Prayers.”
Those prayers when you are on your hands and knees in serious trouble. The tears are streaming and your heart is several fragements past broke. For me, even then I have no problem voicing my needs and yet there is an overwhelming sense of the presence of what I imagine is the Holy Spirit voicing your prayer with you.
All three times my prayers were answered pretty much the way I had asked. The first time had shocked me with the speed and the way my prayer was answered exactly as requested.
That left me a little shocked. The second time, I tried to pray more openly in the way Christ prayed in the Garden of Gasthemene. But I had a clear idea of what I thought would be the better answer.
And that prayer was the one that left me afraid to pray. The answer I got was swift, the next morning. But to this day, while I know exactly what I thought and felt it hurts me deeply to think that I prayed that prayer.
For the longest time, about 8 years I felt such incredible guilt every time I thought about being the person that prayed that prayer.
It took me about 9 years to realize that my prayer was answered, not because I asked for it but because God purposed that event to happen.
The whole time I prayed I was very sincere that I was trusting God to do what was best in my situation. The whole time I had strong thoughts about various outcomes. To this day I don’t think I was off in my thinking and wrong minded in my opinions. And God choose to fulfil my request in the way He did which was also what I thought was the best answer to my problem.
And yet, for eight years I really struggled with myself. I was so wrongly focused! I sincerely held that the event that happened as a result of my prayer was because I prayed for it! Therefore I made myself feel guilty.
I could not pray for myself because I was afraid to ask God for anything because I never again wanted to be responsible for the consequences of my prayer.
I was such a fool!
I was very conceited!
I’m working on the attitude change. Also a thank you also goes out to a group of remarkable Homeschooling friends who helped me learn to pray again without fear.