[Posted first: July 27, 2006]
I have been so struck with how much I am blessed to become part of this community. You have no idea how much of a blessing it is for me to realize that I am not the only one like me. Today I was PM’ing someone and I started to talk about a lesson that I learned in grade school that has made so much of an impact on my life. I realized about two paragraphs into it that it was a better blog entry. So here is what I wrote:
I too struggle with the same issues you have. It is really hard to let go of the details. Especially when it is so easy to see that they are important.
I am working on allowing the kids to have control too. I see my issues are about me having control. So I work very hard at “un-controlling.”
It is kind of like have thing glasses pulled off my face and seeing the real me. I had a teacher in grade school once who said, you know you think you know who you are. (I imagine that was a hard sentence to read ). But really “who” you are is more like a window with four panes.
You have the section that only you look through. That is “who” you are. But… so much of what you see in that section is only seen by you. You don’t share that with anyone. So is that really “who” you are then?
So… perhaps the person whom you live with the most, your spouse, is the best judge of “who” you are. I mean, he has to see every thing you do, or at the least deal with the consequence of it. So you come the section of the window into your soul, and you have to learn to look at “who” you are through the eyes of your spouse. Afterall, if anyone should know, he should know “who” you are.
But really… for me at least… I don’t treat my spouse as well as I do others. So there is the view of “who” I am from the perspective of the people that I meet and greet on the street. I mean, while they can’t see my inner thoughts… they see my actions. And are they ever quick to judge! I mean, there is a reason that you keep the inner thoughts to yourself. Just because you think them, doesn’t mean that you really are that person nor does it mean that you are going to be that person one day. So… you need to look at yourself in the eyes of others.
And last… there is the view through the eyes of your children. Those observant little creatures. They have a way of getting to the soul of you that you never knew you had. They can get under your best defenses, and have the ability to bring things out in you that you never knew existed. Both the ugly and the beautiful. You know about the times that you snap and blow. Who knew that creature even existed? But most of all, I remember the amazing emotion, greater than love, that sprang up when I held my son for the first times. Honestly, I never knew “who” I had the potential to be until that very moment.
So “who” am I? I am all those. Until I learn to see that if I just focus on “me” through one of those sections, I limit who I really am.
That lesson was given to me by a teacher in Grade Five. Mr. Hodgkinson. I will never ever forget it. I think it is what makes me able to keep on going when I get to the times when I can’t seem to see past the hidden pane that only I am allowed to look through. I realize that “who” I am is so much more than just that one little corner of my window.
And… over the time I have learned that the only way I can really see through all of those views and really know me, is through the Grace of God. He sees me and knows all of me.
The view through the window of my living room: