[Posted first: July 20, 2006]
As many of you know, I struggle a lot with my DH and his not taking a “role” in our family. Or I should properly say, the “role” that I believe he should be taking. I grieve a lot about the condition of his faith and his trust in God. And I grieve because I tried so hard to “know” what kind of a man he was before I married him that I sometimes get to doubting myself because what he is is not what he was.
Yet I firmly believe in the sanctity of marriage, and that in this world, I have to be the one to fight for this marriage because almost everything else is working to tear us apart.
So my goal is now to “be content with the circumstances,” doing my best to let him “be who he was created to be,” and yet fufill my “purpose and direction in life” in parenting our children to be Believers. Kind of like the Wife in Proverbs.
This past few weeks a few things have come together to strengthen me. I go through periods of emotion. I have to live with the reality that he may never change; pray that he may. I have to be willing to let him “hurt” me and not bury myself from him in an effort to not hurt since that won’t allow him the room to change. It sounds a little stupid, but I’ll give an example.
One of my concerns is that we don’t spend time talking together about substantial things, nor have we a time when we read the Bible and pray together. I have constantly brought this need of mine to his attention, and he will promise to try. Its a big stretch for him, since he doesn’t do this on his own. If I attempt to facilitate this (by gettting the Bible) he will get mad with me because “You don’t believe I will do this with you!” Which hurts me. If I wait for him to find the right time, I hurt because the time is never right. And if I let it go completely, I hurt because I start to feel like I don’t matter to him.
Yet, if I block him off and try to erect a shield around my emotions I end up hurting him and our children. I might be fine, but they will suffer.
This past Sunday I was teaching my DD’s Sunday School class and we were talking about Ruth and Naomi. I was struck by how in their story, there were really just a few choices and they occurred in a relatively short time frame of their lives, but they had great purpose in the Plan of God for our Salvation. The rest of their lives, prior and after those events, where just “daily grind.”
I was struck that they never knew the signifigance of their actions. Which choices they made that changed our world. They never ever saw the big picture.
Boaz could have been a lousy husband after awhile… Ruth could have been frustrated with him because he would spend so much time caring for all the down and out people and neglected things at home… Total Conjecture… but you get the point.
Yet if Ruth and Naomi hadn’t continued to serve Yhwh (hopefully that’s okay Ber), daily, day in and day out, if they had not, perhaps their son Obed wouldn’t have brought his children to believe… and so forth. David, son of Jesse, might not have made the King of Israel and the Messiah … etc.
So… in the big picture of Creation, my concerns are minute. I have a job to do, to love the Lord my God with all my heart, strength, mind and soul. I have to teach my children to do so as well. And His blessings will follow us through the generations.